Deep

Sometimes I find that it’s difficult to distinguish the difference between things I deeply desire and my fears. I know that sounds like it should be an easy distinction, one is good one is bad. But in reality they are very closely linked, because my deepest desires never realized are my deepest fears. This is what makes vulnerability so difficult. To be honest with you about the things I dream of, lets you know that if I don’t have them or see them, how hurt I will be. That’s worse than sharing the things I fear with people.

Perhaps this is one of the reasons we so often share shallow prayer requests, or request things for other people, because admitting what we are really seeking God for, allows you to go too deep with me, to know my disappointments, even my anger or frustration with God.

I figure that if I don’t have the desires of my heart from God, then either I am doing something wrong, or (a worse thought) He’s not the God He says He is. I’m not saying that’s correct thinking, but I sure can’t have people know that I think like that sometimes, I can’t let people see me question God, who is so obviously greater than me, and yet David questioned God, Elijah questioned God, Job questioned God, can I?

David cried out in Psalm 61:2 “From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” He’s the creator, He can handle my questions, and strangely He tells me to confess to one another as well. There’s the rub, can you handle my questions? If we truly seek to be vulnerable we need a safe place where we can share those thoughts, struggles, desires and fears. Can I be that sort of friend? I’m praying that after you share them with God, you find a place where you can confess them here.

Deep

Greatest desires hidden down deep

almost as deep as the fears.

The line between them blurs so often,

dark    seeping     in      like a fog.

Choking and strangling the joy that comes

from desiring   –   even Your heart.

Rejoice in Your sufferings,           but fear the loss.

Never dream   –  the rain might come.

My heart says to hide, don’t let this touch me.

Bury it again down deep

make the outside look good and only cry at

night,

when those fears start to form.

Never admit your desires aloud, and

definitely not the fears.

Never let anyone stand along side you or

fear might be ripped right out.

“That pain of surrender will never subside”, the fears call to you.

“And definitely never believe that the places emptied out could ever

be filled up

to the fullness of Him

with Whom you have to do.”

 

Do not fear!” Your Voice cries

over the tumult in my mind.

You grab my chin and turn my head

forcing me to look into Your eyes.

“I will not fail you.”

You whisper this time;

the noise subsiding in my head.

You want to hear the desires

and take the fears

gently replacing my empty spaces with joy

until I stop hiding under the bed

and step

into your

marvelous Light.

~ Patti

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About cttrainer

CrossTrainers is a ministry with a heart to train people to live, love and lead with for the glory of God.
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One Response to Deep

  1. junecg says:

    The poem made me cry – it resonated so loud in me.

    You sound as spiritually bi-polar as I am.

    It is difficult to share my deepest desires and fears because not many people can handle sharing of that kind…or even want to. That seals the door to my innermost heart just a wee bit tighter. But God knows. I share them with Him because I have come to realize in a very practical way that He knows them all anyway. And maybe He actually put some of them there – which ones? I SO wish I knew. I praise God for the friendships that allow me to share the deepest, accept me for who they see and love me anyway. I say share the deepest meaning – there is still more there but those desires seem to be beyond the safety valve and out of reach – sometimes even to me. When I do go close to them I almost feel that I will never return from them. So…only before my Lord – at least for the time being. God has me working on the “transparency” part. Ouch.

    I SO love David – he was as spiritually bi-polar as I am. His psalms often start with a heavy heart from anger, fear, depression or questions – “God, where are you?!” Yet, those same Psalms usually end with David recognizing God and his anger, fear depression and questions turn to praise of a Holy, gracious, righteous, loving God.

    God demonstrated His love to David and, since our God never changes throughout all generations, I know He is big enough to handle MY questions, tears, and fears. I am probably not able to handle some of the answers so He limits His response to what I am able to handle. Praise Him for not giving us more than we can handle.

    Thank you, Patti, for sharing. It has encouraged me to revisit my deepest desires and fears.
    June

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