Sometimes I find that it’s difficult to distinguish the difference between things I deeply desire and my fears. I know that sounds like it should be an easy distinction, one is good one is bad. But in reality they are very closely linked, because my deepest desires never realized are my deepest fears. This is what makes vulnerability so difficult. To be honest with you about the things I dream of, lets you know that if I don’t have them or see them, how hurt I will be. That’s worse than sharing the things I fear with people.
Perhaps this is one of the reasons we so often share shallow prayer requests, or request things for other people, because admitting what we are really seeking God for, allows you to go too deep with me, to know my disappointments, even my anger or frustration with God.
I figure that if I don’t have the desires of my heart from God, then either I am doing something wrong, or (a worse thought) He’s not the God He says He is. I’m not saying that’s correct thinking, but I sure can’t have people know that I think like that sometimes, I can’t let people see me question God, who is so obviously greater than me, and yet David questioned God, Elijah questioned God, Job questioned God, can I?
David cried out in Psalm 61:2 “From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” He’s the creator, He can handle my questions, and strangely He tells me to confess to one another as well. There’s the rub, can you handle my questions? If we truly seek to be vulnerable we need a safe place where we can share those thoughts, struggles, desires and fears. Can I be that sort of friend? I’m praying that after you share them with God, you find a place where you can confess them here.
Greatest desires hidden down deep
almost as deep as the fears.
The line between them blurs so often,
dark seeping in like a fog.
Choking and strangling the joy that comes
from desiring – even Your heart.
Rejoice in Your sufferings, but fear the loss.
Never dream – the rain might come.
My heart says to hide, don’t let this touch me.
Bury it again down deep
make the outside look good and only cry at
when those fears start to form.
Never admit your desires aloud, and
definitely not the fears.
Never let anyone stand along side you or
fear might be ripped right out.
“That pain of surrender will never subside”, the fears call to you.
“And definitely never believe that the places emptied out could ever
be filled up
to the fullness of Him
with Whom you have to do.”
“Do not fear!” Your Voice cries
over the tumult in my mind.
You grab my chin and turn my head
forcing me to look into Your eyes.
“I will not fail you.”
You whisper this time;
the noise subsiding in my head.
You want to hear the desires
and take the fears
gently replacing my empty spaces with joy
until I stop hiding under the bed